Exorcism

Scene 1

(Lucifer sits in his office, his feet propped up on his desk and a phone to his ear. He looks mildly disgruntled as he listens to the voice on the other end of the line.)

Lucifer: Metatron, are you positive? Not even your presence can remove this thing? (Pause. Sighs.) Okay, fine, I’ll do it, but you owe me for this. (Beat.) Fine, you don’t owe me. But I’d like an address.

(He reaches for a piece of paper and writes something down.)

Lucifer: Right…right. Okay, I’ll be there in a few minutes. Let me just tell my secretary I’ll be out for a few hours. You need me to bring anything? No? (He smiles.) I’ll see you in a bit. Good bye.

(Lucifer hangs up the phone and then walks towards his office door. He exits. He walks through a series of hallways that lead to a reception area. Damnit is covered in papers, working diligently as ever.)

Lucifer: Damnit?

Damnit: (Looks up) Yes sir?

Lucifer: I don’t have to see anyone today, right?

(Damnit shuffles through several piles of paper and then looks up.)

Damnit: No, you don’t. You’re leaving early today then?

Lucifer: Actually, Metatron just gave me a call. I’ve got some business to take care of on Earth. (He frowns.)

Damnit: I know, these sorts of things have been a lot more common lately. (He sighs.) The pits have been slowing down. I guess the working demons and fallen must be getting bored and restless without as many souls to torture.

Lucifer: Well, whatever it is, it’s got to stop. Anyway, I’ll be back in a few hours. My cell is on if there’s an uprising. Emergency only.

Damnit: Sure, regular rules apply. See ya boss.

Lucifer: Later.

(Lucifer teleports off. Damnit returns to work.)

Scene 2

(Lucifer lands outside a simple home, a Queen Anne painted a light yellow with white accents. He walks up to the door and knocks three times. Metatron answers.)

Metatron: (Annoyed.) What took you so long?

Lucifer: (Glares and folds his arms.) Fine, if you don’t want my help I’ll leave.

(He begins to turn around. Metatron puts his hand on Lucifer’s shoulder.)

Metatron: Just come in. I’ve tried ten times and have failed miserably.

(Lucifer walks into the house and follows Metatron up the stairs.)

Lucifer: So you figured you’d fight fire with fire then? (He gives a short laugh.) Smart man. Takes a devil to remove a devil.

Metatron: (Hisses. In angelic.) Whatever you do, don’t draw attention to what you really are. We have two priests here that are capable of exorcisms under normal circumstances and I’m damn sure you don’t want to cross their paths.

Lucifer: (Replies, in angelic.) Well sor-ry. Look, I can’t be subtle if you want me to do this, you’ll need to get them out of the room. I don’t care how you do it; it just needs to be done.

(They reach the top of the stairs. Metatron makes a left and opens a door.)

Metatron: Fair enough. (He addresses two priests inside the room, who stand watch over a small boy who is tied to a bed and thrashes about wildly.) Fathers? Might I introduce my collogue, Gabriel?

(Lucifer shoots Metatron a ‘What the?! Are you HIGH?!’ look of surprise and annoyance and urge to kill rising before waving a hand to the two priests. One of them is older with a full head of grey hair. The other one looks extremely young. He has blonde hair tied into a pony tail. Lucifer approaches the boy and stares down at him, frowning.)

Lucifer: How long has this been going on?

Metatron: Two days. I was called in last night.

Lucifer: You were only called 12 hours ago? (He shakes his head.) Padres. Catch me up, which rituals have you used?

(The younger priest and older priest exchange glances. The younger one speaks.)

Younger Priest: We’ve done the accepted exorcism by the Roman Catholic Church multiple times and then tried rituals used by other religious--

(Lucifer holds up a hand.)

Lucifer: That’s all I needed to know. (He looks at Metatron and nods.)

Metatron: Er, right. Gentlemen? Gabriel’s method is very particular and cannot work in the presence of others. Besides, we’ve been working tirelessly. We should at least eat.

(The priests and Metatron walk out of the room. Metatron closes the door behind him. Lucifer sits down on the bed and looks at the boy, clicking his tongue.)

Lucifer: Well, colour me impressed. Not even the voice of God could pull you out. Demons are usually weaker than that. Much weaker. So, which of the fallen angels are you?

(The boy hisses and snarls and is repulsed, trying to move away from Lucifer.)

Boy: I do not answer to you, angel.

Lucifer: Really? What makes you say I’m an angel?

Boy: You reek of Heaven.

(Lucifer stands up and shakes his head, laughing.)

Lucifer: Me? I reek of Heaven? I ask you again, which of the fallen are you?

(Lucifer unfurls his wings, allowing them to tower over himself menacingly.)

Lucifer: You may not answer to Heaven but you sure as fuck answer to Hell. (He shoves his face in the boy’s face.) I am your Lord, Lucifer, the fallen angel who lead a third of Heaven astray. I am he who is the infernal one, the ruler of Hell and the Son of the Morning. You answer to me pit spawn or so help you I will kill you and this boy without a second thought. (Lucifer’s left hand draws back and produces a ball of fire. He snarls.)

(The boy screams and thrashes wildly. Lucifer drags his hand closer to the Boy’s face, glaring.)

Lucifer: You wanna do this the hard way?! Fine. (He slams his right hand onto the boy’s forehead and begins to recite an incantation.) I exorcise thee o impious Satan. In vain dost thou boast of this deed. I command thee to restore it as a proof before the whole world that when God recieveth a sinner, thou hast no longer any rule over his soul. I abjure thee, by him who expelled thee from they stronghold, bereft thee of the arms which thou didst trust in and distributed thy spoils. Return therefore this deed whereby…

Boy: STOP! STOP!

Lucifer: YOUR NAME FALLEN! YOUR NAME!

Boy: (Short of breath.) As..as…Asmoday…

(Lucifer removes his hand from the boy’s forehead and nods slowly.)

Lucifer: A relative of Asmodeus then?

Boy: Y-y-yes…

Lucifer: You work in the pits then, do you? What circle?

Boy: Eight… Malebolge. With the barraters.

Lucifer: Which has been unusually empty, as I understand it.

Boy: (Sighs.) Yes, it has. We’re almost devoid of souls now. There’s only a few and we’ve been getting really bored.

Lucifer: And you lot are childish imps who delight in the torture of others. No wonder you’ve taken to possession for a hobby. (He glares at the boy.) Tell me, Asmoday. If I agree to go light on your punishment for possession, which is clearly against Hell’s laws, will you leave the boy? Or will I have to begin the exorcism ritual yet again?

Boy: No, I’ll leave quietly.

Lucifer: Good. Go right to my office. I’ll alert my secretary that you’re coming.

(Lucifer’s wings retract back into his body. Then Lucifer takes out a cell phone and begins to dial a number. He watches the boy’s body twist and contort until he can tell Asmoday is gone. The boy looks around and screams.)

Lucifer: Calm down child, you’ve just been through Hell and back. Rest. (He talks into the phone. In angelic.) Damnit? It’s me. Expect a fallen named Asmoday to arrive in several moments. I would have words with him when I return. Thank you.

(Metatron knocks on the door loudly. Lucifer flings it open, giving a half grin to Metatron.)

Metatron: Well?

Lucifer: Smooth as silk. (He looks at the two priests.) Honestly, some times you can’t be all fire and brimstone, you know? Talk to the demon. Find out why it’s even possessing people. (He laughs.) It makes the exorcism much easier, trust me. The boy’s fine, just freaked out beyond reason.

(Lucifer walks past the group and heads down the stairs. The two priests exchange a look, and then look at Metatron.)

Older Priest: What is he? Certainly not of the Earth.

Metatron: You have heard of the phrase ‘it takes a crook to catch a crook’, have you not?

(The two priests stare at Metatron.)

Older Priest: You allowed the devil to touch an innocent child?!

Metatron: It got the job done, did it not?

Older Priest: Then are you also a demon?! Pit spawn?!

(Metatron laughs and reveals his wings and then heads down the steps after Lucifer.)

Metatron: “Behold I send an angel before thee, to keep thee in the way and bring thee unto the place I have prepared.” Think about that interpretation. It’ll come to you.

Older Priest: Even the Devil can quote scripture.

Younger Priest: The devil does not own thirty six pure white wings. I believe that was the Metatron.

(Metatron sheaths his wings and then walks after Lucifer. Lucifer waits on a street corner, looking up at a cloudy sky.)

Metatron: So who was it?

Lucifer: A fallen, named Asmoday. Worked in circle 8, which has been thinning out lately. (He pauses, leaning against the lamp post on the corner.) Come to think of it sir, we’ve gotten nearly no traffic whatsoever lately. Is there something going on you’re not telling me?

Metatron: I wouldn’t withhold information from you Lucifer, you know that. (Metatron produces a large travel mug of tea.) Tea?

Lucifer: If you wouldn’t mind. So then I guess its entropy, huh?

(Metatron hands Lucifer a travel mug. Lucifer takes it and sips from it.)

Metatron: Well, from what I gather it is. There’s been a lot going on. I’ve noticed it too, don’t think you’re alone.

Lucifer: The boredom is driving the pit insane. I’m personally quite thankful to be rid of all the damned, or most of them anyway, but I just can’t help but wonder what’s gonna happen when they all go. Suppose there are still people on earth?

Metatron: I reckon we’ll hit that bump when we come to it. Look, I’ve gotta get going. Meeting with some of the Egyptian pantheon tonight for some reason. I don’t like where it’s going.

Lucifer: I hope the flood doesn’t come up again. (He frowns.)

Metatron: I know same here. Anyway, I did send you an e-mail. Next week Yahweh wants to meet with the Greek and Roman pantheon and wants you there. I dunno what it’s going to be about but you’ll probably want to respond in any case.

Lucifer: Will do. I’ll see you then Metatron.

Metatron: Of course. Take care of yourself Lux.

(Metatron disappears in a poof of smoke. Lucifer smiles slightly and raises his mug.)

Lucifer: You too, you old bastard.

Fin.